Honesty/Truth: A Difference

The blog today comes indirectly through Dinahh. I was sitting here enjoying my coffee this morning and thinking about relationships -- what makes them good, obviously, but also what might be the most destructive element to a healthy and loving relationship.

This is when Dinahh popped into my awareness. He told me it was a lack of honesty that most often destroys a relationship. I told him I agreed. There is nothing worse than a lie. A lie undermines the relationship and hurts the one the lied to because it ruins trust. You have to have trust. Without trust, the relationship flounders and then dies.

Dinahh said telling the truth and being honest are actually very different and I shouldn't confuse them. He said honesty is much more than telling the truth. You can be honest, even when telling a lie. Now I was good and confused. I told Dinahh that I must be having a "senior moment", as I didn't understand what he was saying.

Dinahh explained. "Catherine, be patient now and listen because I will tell you. Let's say a husband suspects his wife is cheating. He gathers his courage and asks her. The wife tells him she is not seeing anyone else. It isn't a lie. The truth is, she is involved on the computer with another man, and they have talked several times on the telephone involving very sexual conversations. Do you see, Catherine? She is telling the truth, but she is not being honest. You see, Catherine, a half-truth is even more damaging than a lie."

I could understand, in a way. I asked Dinahh whether sometimes it was better to tell a half truth than to hurt someone with the whole truth. After all, in this scenario, the wife wasn't actually having an affair or being unfaithful to her husband. Wouldn't telling him about the man and their sexual conversations only serve to hurt her husband needlessly?

Geez, I seem to learn everything the hard way. Dinahh was audibly upset with me. "Catherine, how can you ask this? I have told you that a half-truth is worse than the complete truth. There are many examples I could use, but I chose this one, thinking it would be easiest for you to understand.

Let me try again. In a loving, trusting relationship, everything is about sharing truth. This is accomplished by being truthful and honest. Trust is the result of both partners opening their hearts and being vulnerable with one another. They trust that they are loved and, therefore, they hide nothing. For the heart to remain open to love, there must be no walls between them, nor any feelings of fear and guilt which can become walls. Can you understand, Catherine? Not being completely truthful, thus honest, the heart cannot be fully open to love."

"I think so, Dinahh. You are saying that, besides love, trust (as a result of being honest and truthful) is the most important thing in a relationship. When someone tells a half-truth, the closeness breaks down because they know it's not the truth? Let me ask you this, what was the reason she turned to the other man in the first place? I would say the relationship was already suffering."

"Catherine, this was an example only. But yes, truth, honesty, and trust -- without them, there is no relationship. In this example, had she been open and honest with the complete truth, trusting the husband loves her enough to hear it, it would break down the wall of guilt she built and open her heart again to love. We are done, Catherine. Think about what I have said."

I am, Dinahh. I am. Namaste.

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The Journey Thus Far

I've learned many things on this journey to awareness, and so far, it's been exciting, too. What's been the most surprising is, it hasn't taken any work at all -- no books, no studying, no tests, and certainly no tuition.   Just learning how to be vulnerable and share, and a man I love and who loves me taking a simple journey together in this human experience -- and it's been so rewarding.

We have so much about self and the universe to discover, and the beauty of it is, all we have to do is allow it.  The true discovery has only to be remembered.  The answers to all of our questions are already here, inside -- it's like we were pre-programmed with truth, knowledge and love.  Then we come here and spend our whole lives either forgetting what it is we know or being taught that what we think we know is wrong.  The reality is, we are a deep and bottomless well of knowledge and when our thirst grows strong enough and we finally drink from that well, everything we know, everything we brought with us becomes crystal clear.

Like most people, I've spent a lifetime looking outside myself for strength and confidence and, yes, answers.  I've made a lot of wrong choices and more than a few mistakes, but I have learned from them.  What this journey is teaching me is that the strength and confidence and answers were here within me all the while -- it was all here, all the time, and all I had to do was remember.

I've enjoyed my journey thus far -- finding my center in the silence, setting aside mind and ego, and meeting the real me, the me I was meant to be and truly am.

Namaste

Love and Loss: Robert Cosmar

Passing the Torch
by Robert Cosmar

Love doesn't discriminate, judge or compare. It accepts all things unconditionally. Some of you may have wondered how the present man in Cathy's life, me, feels about all of this -- the journey she's taking back into her past through her Memoirs From Nam blog, Vietnam, and the loss of Doug, her first real love. I'd like to share how I feel. I hope for those of you who may be stuck in memories of past losses that you'll find hope, and realize, love never dies and it can come in many forms and many times.

When Cathy and I met again and we began to talk about our pasts, I knew her experience with losing Doug was a significant life experience, something her soul knew, as well. The deepest reasons for this I can't say, but I do know that when we have traumatic experiences, it's because our soul is trying to get us to look at unconscious patterns or things that prevent us from reuniting in awareness with different levels of our self. Most of us have our own beliefs about the ultimate nature of existence and reality, but the truth is, we don't really know until awareness is brought to us through a shakeup of those beliefs.

I asked Cathy to take me to Doug's grave. I knew it was the right thing to do. I don't know how I knew, but I did. My words poured honestly and sincerely from my heart as I talked to him there. After saying hello, I thanked Doug, and it felt like we were connected in some way. I sensed a cosmic channel had opened and we were talking in a way that seemed to have been prearranged in eternity past. It was a confirmation for me, that Cathy and I being together and the events around the reunion were all a part of a universal plan. I know she loves Doug and I'm sure, at times, she even wonders, "What if". On that day, I knew Doug still loved her and I also knew I was now to carry that torch, the one of love between Doug and Cathy, after so many years of hollow promises in other relationships.

I am not jealous, because I know I'm in a partnership with existence to help Cathy realize all the love inside her. Doug and I are pieces in the puzzle of her life and both of us are integral parts of the great mystery of existence. Neither of us own her, but we are privileged to receive her trust and love to help us heal. It is never just about two people. Life involves all of us and we can never know who we've touched or who may be touching us, or when.

I made a promise to Doug that day. I vowed to love her in the way he would have intended, with the same caring and feelings he felt for her. It was like a form of telepathic communing where I could feel his energy and sense this was a high intent of his. I realize that I cannot prove any of this to those who read this, it's just something you have to feel and experience in your self. This was definitely not an everyday experience for us.

Love allows you to see the big picture of life and it goes well beyond the customs and beliefs of cultures and religions. What matters in life is what you feel about things. I sense that Doug, Vietnam, and her loss of him is a part of the universe's plan for her growth in awareness. Her love is healing my issues and helping me to blossom more in my awareness.

Doug, wherever he may be now, realizes that the love he offered to her and shared was not in vain and it still continues through an agreement we three had together before this lifetime. Love is never about ownership, but an opportunity to experience greater awareness of both existence and spirit by choosing to be together. Doug payed a price, which I am sure has helped the three of us to become more aware of the nature of true reality and the deepest meaning of love -- a sacrifice for others.

I never knew Doug, because he was several years older than me. I do respect him. I respect what he did and how he touched my life and Cathy's and the three of us agree to do whatever it takes to help others to ascend in love and awareness towards the infinite mystery of life and existence.

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Girl with the Blue Eyes

by Robert Cosmar

Life has its moments and images, some that stick with us forever. In the late 50's, I was going with my brothers and sisters to a local lake to swim and have some fun. Mom had arranged for us to pick up one of her high school best friends and her children to come along with us to the lake. I was sitting in the back of our station wagon when this girl with the most stunning blue eyes entered the car. I remember staring at her and her not looking at me at all. I was hypnotized by her eyes and unable to speak. At nine, I was too young, too shy, and too pre-hormonal to understand all I was experiencing, but I think that was the first time I realized what a girl was and how the power of sexuality can affect you.

That moment was never experienced again.  Our families didn't go to the lake together again, as far as I can remember. I do remember hearing my parents talk fondly about these friends and their children, but the girl with the blue eyes faded to a memory, then into my subconscious and the sweet chance meeting was all but forgotten. I didn't remember her at all in high school, since she was two years older and we traveled in different circles. Yet to this day, I can vividly recall her in that back seat avoiding all eye contact with me.

Almost fifty years passed since I last saw her and, during that time, I learned many lessons and made a lot of mistakes. She had her own journey of disappointments, despair and discovery. A couple of years ago, my sister was on the computer and mentioned something to me about that same girl now being a children's author -- my sister was at the website right then. I remember going over to look at the computer screen and seeing a picture of her. It brought back the memory of that day nearly fifty years earlier. She still had those stunning light-blue eyes and a soft sweet face.  I got her email address and decided to comment on both her writing, the website, and also share my interest in astrology and spirituality. I was curious to see what she might say. A day or so later, I received my answer. It was not as glorious as I had hoped. She was going through a difficult divorce and her response seemed rather cold and distant. I accepted that, forgot about the email, and went on living my life

Somewhere in 2008, after talking to an old high school friend, I made the decision to organize a multi-class high school reunion. It was one of those things I felt compelled to do and didn't exactly know why, especially since I had to do most of the work alone or with very little help. Still, I was determined to see it through, because I felt deep inside that it was important to me and to many others. Again, I didn't know why. It was as though I sensed a promise that If I stayed the course, something wonderful was going to happen. 

Over the next two years I organized, talked to people, and found myself writing emails of a very personal and spiritual nature. Somehow I knew I had to be true to myself, my feelings, and the vision that had unfolded within me for the reunion. I began to write from my heart and to trust the whispers, knowing that some folks would be offended, but also knowing there were others who felt the same way but were unable to express those feelings as easily.

One day while I was at work, I got a surprising email from the girl with the blue eyes. She hadn't heard about the reunion and one of her classmates had forwarded my emails to her. Those whispers from my heart to others had touched hers and opened her to me. She told me how much the words meant to her and it was almost like she was saying, "Here I am, I'm ready now. Where do we go from here?" Playfully, I teased her about her blue eyes and shared how I remembered them from 50 years earlier. It was all very natural, heartfelt and it seemed so right. Something was happening.

Over the next few months before the reunion, we shared emails and stories. Romance and a relationship were not even spoken of at the beginning. We just sensed we had to follow the friendship and the feelings to see if they would eventually end, or if something else might take its place. As time went on, I found myself having the courage to be more open and honest with her and more revealing of my past. She was uneasy with some of my past and, at one point, we both even felt the urge to walk away, but something would not let us. 

One night at home. I was laying on my back in the grass under the stars in my yard talking to her on the phone. I told her about my deepest heartbreak in love. It had been the first time I had ever opened my heart and it had been rejected. That night under the stars, I was sure she and I had come to the end of the line. As I had it analyzed up to this point, we didn't have a whole lot in common, or so it seemed. But when I was done telling her about the pain I had carried around of that past love, she said something that touched me deeply. She said: "I would never hurt you like that." It seemed to be more than words, it was like a promise and I knew she would keep it. That was the door I needed, the door that took me beyond my fears and handed me the encouragement to continue trusting her.

For the first few months, as we were getting to know one another, she would not allow me to call. She was hesitant to hear my voice. She wouldn't allow me to visit, because she was hesitant to see me. It was so frustrating to be held at bay, because I wanted and needed to talk to her, be with her. I knew in my heart I loved her and she loved me. 

Later, just before we first met, she tortured me with things like, "Robert, if it's love, it will be in the eyes. When you love someone, they will see it in your eyes, and you, theirs." She also told me she wouldn't know for sure it was love until she could smell the little place at the nape of my neck. The nose knows, I suppose ... seems I had to pass this final test before she would really know if we were right for each other. I was unsure of why she needed this but I was trusting my heart and feelings.

We met for the first time in person the night before the reunion at a little inn in the town where she and I were raised. She opened the door and, for the first time in almost 50 years, I saw those blue eyes again and a smile to boot. While we hugged, she buried her face in my neck. It was a warm, sweet and endearing embrace. It felt natural and right, and without either of us saying a word, I knew I loved her and and I also knew she loved me. 

An air of intimacy seemed to envelop us and no matter where we went that weekend, we felt compelled to be touching, whether sitting close together, or holding hands and staring silently into each other's eyes and getting lost there. It felt then, and still does, like we're hooked deeper than our minds, emotions and even bodies.

Our journey to love had been a long one, sometimes painful and often confusing. Over the years, I had given up my search for the right girl and, in a way, she no longer searched for mister right. We had arrived at a time in our lives when we stopped hoping and looking at all ... and then this something magical happened. The mystery of love brought us together so we could experience more of life together and learn together what it means to be in love for real.

.... and you know what?  She was right.  I did see the love in her eyes, and when I breathed her in, her scent went all the way to my soul ...

The Silence

Is there anything good about silence? That's pretty much how I felt, before my journey to awareness began.

At the time, I was living alone and I thought I had to fill my life with sounds, even if it was only background music from the CD player. Often, I even turned the TV on low and went into my office to write, comforted by the voices from the other room.

After my spirit guide, Dinahh, introduced himself to me, my priorities began to change. Dinahh encouraged me to, "Be in the silence, Catherine. Do not be afraid of the silence. You must find your center and open your heart. It is there that you will find your answers." (I always had a flurry of questions for him and his answer was always to say, "So many questions, Catherine -- be patient. You have all of the answers. They are there inside of you. Be in the silence. Find your center and let go of the mind and ego. They will only stand in your way. That is not who you are. You must dare to open your heart and listen. It is in the silence where you will find your self and your answers.")

For many years, Robert has meditated to "be in the silence". I've tried it many times -- I don't know why I can't meditate -- maybe it just isn't for everyone. Maybe I have adult ADHD and just can't sit still that long ... but when I try, I can't seem to find my center and I certainly can't let go of my mind. Within just a few minutes, I find myself ticking off an invisible list of things to do, people I should call, things I need at the grocery, or just about anything else. I remember I used to be very good at daydreaming and I'm told that daydreaming is also a form of meditation. But to sit in a comfy chair in the dark in total silence, one of two things always happens: I either fall sound asleep, or my mind creeps back in to take over.

Where I finally found my silence was when I was lying in bed one night, just before falling asleep. All thought was gone and I was just beginning to feel myself drift off to sleep. Suddenly I "saw" a swirling of color, the palest shade of blue, and like a cloud, it spread until it filled my closed-eye "vision".  I knew I had found the silence, because Dinahh came to me then and told me so.  Now, it works for me every time.

It's a wonderful thing, being in the silence. When you allow your heart to open, you get a sense of floating and peace, and an overwhelming sense of love -- not surprising, since that is what we are and where we all came from ... everything is as it should be and silence?  The silence is magic ...

Namaste

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Testing of Motherhood

"There is no good or bad, but simply opposing experiences that must dissolve into the light of ultimate reality. Labels are a false judgement against the nature of ultimate reality. It is not up to man to decide what is good or bad, but to realize through awareness that all experiences lead to the same end conclusion." ~Robert S. Cosmar

When I saw Robert's quote this morning, it made me think of a young mother I saw in the grocery store the other day.

I saw her first in the produce section. She had a toddler seat-belted in her cart and she was busy searching the table to her left for a ripe tomato. Trouble is, she had parked her cart too close to the table next to it where tempting bananas had been piled high. Her little boy had literally filled their cart with bananas and was "sampling" the one he held in his hand, peel and all.

The mother finished choosing her tomato, turned, and after seeing what had transpired within mere seconds of turning away, frustratingly asked, "What is wrong with you? Mommy told you never to touch! I have to put all of these bananas back on the table. You keep your hands to yourself, young man." I could only smile in a "been there, done that" sort of way.

The next time I spotted them was just after the latest catastrophe had already happened. The mother's face was beet-red and she was picking up paperback books from a huge pile on the floor and putting them back into slots on a revolving metal stand. The toddler was both fascinated and puzzled, saying over and over, "Books, mommy, books! I like books! Books, please?" I felt compassion for the mother who, by her facial expression, was too embarrassed to even speak.

I was in the checkout lane when I spotted them for the last time. Her cart was heaped high with the family's needs, and the little boy was crying. His mom was trying her best to keep her cool and, as luck would have it, she pulled into my lane right behind me. As I loaded my few groceries onto the black conveyor belt, I heard a quiet, exasperated voice ask, "Why? Why me?"

I couldn't help myself. I reached over and squeezed her arm gently. I told her, "There isn't a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, or even a cashier here who hasn't felt the very same way, ma'am. No one could fault the uncharacteristic patience you've shown. No one really knows the answer to "Why me" ... but I tend to view these times as little tests of our endurance and our love. Then with a smile, I added, "I'd have to say, you passed ..."

She hugged me.

Namaste ...
CJ

The Profound

There are times in our lives when something touches us profoundly. At the time, we are so deeply affected by it, we cannot speak of it or write about it. We can only savor the experience in a personal and very spiritual way.

I have written before about my significant other, Robert. My spiritual awareness only really began a little over a year ago, when Robert and I reconnected at a high school reunion, after first knowing each other as children nearly fifty years ago. That introduction to my spiritual awareness happened on our very first actual date.

Robert and I were visiting an historical town, Roscoe Village, which is just across the bridge from Coshocton, the Ohio town we were both raised in. It was hot outside and we had stopped in a little cafe for some raspberry iced tea. One of us noticed that up a few steps in the cafe was a sitting area with a huge overstuffed chair, a couch and coffee table. It looked so quaint and comfortable, a good place to sit, cuddle, and get to know even more about each other, although we had already decided that what we felt was indeed love.

We had been corresponding through emails and phone calls for awhile and both of us agreed that there was something magical going on, something with an energy of its own, drawing us together. We spent hours staring at each other, something I had never been comfortable with before.

Then we finished our tea, and I asked Robert what he would like to do next. His reply startled me. We had talked before about my first marriage to a local boy, Doug Kempf, and how he had been killed in Vietnam. (We had also discussed the two marriages after Doug and the ensuing divorces). Robert surprised me by saying he would like to go to the cemetery, to Doug's grave.

It was a beautiful day for a drive. I had forgotten how lovely his final resting place was, way up at the very top of a hill. As usual when I go there, I felt an overwhelming sadness but kept it to myself and, instead, talked to Doug silently through my heart. Just then, I thought I heard someone talking, just barely above a whisper. It was Robert talking very softly. Here is what I heard him say:

"Well Doug, we are here. I want to thank you for the love that you showed Cathy while you were with her and for your sacrifice so that I can be with her now. I know that I carry the torch of love that was passed from you to me, and I will honor the love that we both share for her. I know that you are somewhere and that some part of you knows and understands what I am saying. It is too bad that we never met, but maybe that is an agreement we all had before this lifetime began. Thank you again and please be assured, her heart is in good hands now. Goodbye."

It was profound, and deeply touching. I don't know what I expected, but it certainly wasn't what I heard, and I loved him all the more because of it. It was a quiet ride back to town and then I asked him to tell me more about what he believed, this awareness he spoke about. This is when I first knew. I didn't exactly know how I knew, I just knew I knew. It was almost like a remembrance from long, long ago. I was on my own journey now ... thank you, Robert, and thank you, Dinahh.

Namaste