Ego

Me: Dinahh, I need your guidance please.  These questions were posed to me by a friend the other day and I'm not sure how to answer her:

If a relationship is real, and truly based on love, can a man's outside flirtations be harmful to the relationship? Can this irrevocably break down trust?

Dinahh: This behavior, when played out, is an improper feeding of the ego, if he is in a true love relationship. The ego tells him, "She sat there, (or smiled at me, stared at me, winked at me, flirted with me) because she's interested." Understand, the ego wants and can even demand to be fed, and most men have listened to and complied with the ego's wishes for most of their life.

 Like a petulant child, the ego does not like to be denied, and it makes up excuses for flirtation, even if its reasons are only imaginary. The ego searches for ways to feed itself and it's always on the watch for eyes to meet, a smile to be shared, or someone of the opposite sex to flirt with them or sit nearby. The aware being knows this is a game and a knowing, loving heart shuts down the ego's need to control.

Understand, the ego is needy. It needs to feel worthy and desirable. In a true love relationship, the ego is fed through the relationship. In the absence of love, this is not so. Therefore, even if the reason for the flirtation is merely a wishful fantasy of the mind, the ego is fed. Each time the mind remembers, ego is fed yet again. And because the ego wants continually more, it looks ahead to the next time -- anticipation is also ego-fed. Each time the mind recalls the flirtation, the ego is fed. If it is confessed and forgiveness asked for, ego is fed again in the telling, especially if the partner reacts with "good boy for sharing".

For the partner, knowing of the flirtation awakens fear, causing doubt.  Doubt can lead to a breakdown of trust. When a partner is confronted out of fear, his ego is fed again because of the reaction (jealousy or indignation). As a result of the confrontation, the ego will demand to be fed yet again out of self-righteous indignation because of the hurt and mistrust of what he believes to be a harmless flirtation -- this is what his mind was told by the controlling ego. The final result is that the ego will have been fed a multitude of times because of one flirtation.

As you can see, Catherine, it's a self-perpetuating cycle. The ego is something a man must learn to control alone, by himself, and through the love that is in his heart from the relationship. When he opens his heart and trusts in that love, he will learn to deny the ego its control over mind and heart.

Tell your friend:  In a real love relationship, you can and do still have trust. You trust in the love you feel. You trust in the love he feels for you. You must both trust that neither of you will allow another to come between you, no matter how trivial. In order to recognize your potential and fully realize your true purpose together, there must be only love and honesty between you.

Having said that, I will say, to trust that someone won't deliberately hurt you or take advantage of a loving nature is something that must be earned. The ego will always break down trust if allowed to be in control. Ultimately, only an open and loving heart can deny the ego its control.

There are better uses of ego that do not harm a relationship. When two loving hearts work together and teach through awareness, the ego is fed in a positive way by knowing they are guiding other souls in their journey.

Catherine, in closing, please also tell your friend: You learn, by questioning. Never allow another's ego to control your heart.  That is all.  I will go now.

Namaste.