Girl with the Blue Eyes

by Robert Cosmar

Life has its moments and images, some that stick with us forever. In the late 50's, I was going with my brothers and sisters to a local lake to swim and have some fun. Mom had arranged for us to pick up one of her high school best friends and her children to come along with us to the lake. I was sitting in the back of our station wagon when this girl with the most stunning blue eyes entered the car. I remember staring at her and her not looking at me at all. I was hypnotized by her eyes and unable to speak. At nine, I was too young, too shy, and too pre-hormonal to understand all I was experiencing, but I think that was the first time I realized what a girl was and how the power of sexuality can affect you.

That moment was never experienced again.  Our families didn't go to the lake together again, as far as I can remember. I do remember hearing my parents talk fondly about these friends and their children, but the girl with the blue eyes faded to a memory, then into my subconscious and the sweet chance meeting was all but forgotten. I didn't remember her at all in high school, since she was two years older and we traveled in different circles. Yet to this day, I can vividly recall her in that back seat avoiding all eye contact with me.

Almost fifty years passed since I last saw her and, during that time, I learned many lessons and made a lot of mistakes. She had her own journey of disappointments, despair and discovery. A couple of years ago, my sister was on the computer and mentioned something to me about that same girl now being a children's author -- my sister was at the website right then. I remember going over to look at the computer screen and seeing a picture of her. It brought back the memory of that day nearly fifty years earlier. She still had those stunning light-blue eyes and a soft sweet face.  I got her email address and decided to comment on both her writing, the website, and also share my interest in astrology and spirituality. I was curious to see what she might say. A day or so later, I received my answer. It was not as glorious as I had hoped. She was going through a difficult divorce and her response seemed rather cold and distant. I accepted that, forgot about the email, and went on living my life

Somewhere in 2008, after talking to an old high school friend, I made the decision to organize a multi-class high school reunion. It was one of those things I felt compelled to do and didn't exactly know why, especially since I had to do most of the work alone or with very little help. Still, I was determined to see it through, because I felt deep inside that it was important to me and to many others. Again, I didn't know why. It was as though I sensed a promise that If I stayed the course, something wonderful was going to happen. 

Over the next two years I organized, talked to people, and found myself writing emails of a very personal and spiritual nature. Somehow I knew I had to be true to myself, my feelings, and the vision that had unfolded within me for the reunion. I began to write from my heart and to trust the whispers, knowing that some folks would be offended, but also knowing there were others who felt the same way but were unable to express those feelings as easily.

One day while I was at work, I got a surprising email from the girl with the blue eyes. She hadn't heard about the reunion and one of her classmates had forwarded my emails to her. Those whispers from my heart to others had touched hers and opened her to me. She told me how much the words meant to her and it was almost like she was saying, "Here I am, I'm ready now. Where do we go from here?" Playfully, I teased her about her blue eyes and shared how I remembered them from 50 years earlier. It was all very natural, heartfelt and it seemed so right. Something was happening.

Over the next few months before the reunion, we shared emails and stories. Romance and a relationship were not even spoken of at the beginning. We just sensed we had to follow the friendship and the feelings to see if they would eventually end, or if something else might take its place. As time went on, I found myself having the courage to be more open and honest with her and more revealing of my past. She was uneasy with some of my past and, at one point, we both even felt the urge to walk away, but something would not let us. 

One night at home. I was laying on my back in the grass under the stars in my yard talking to her on the phone. I told her about my deepest heartbreak in love. It had been the first time I had ever opened my heart and it had been rejected. That night under the stars, I was sure she and I had come to the end of the line. As I had it analyzed up to this point, we didn't have a whole lot in common, or so it seemed. But when I was done telling her about the pain I had carried around of that past love, she said something that touched me deeply. She said: "I would never hurt you like that." It seemed to be more than words, it was like a promise and I knew she would keep it. That was the door I needed, the door that took me beyond my fears and handed me the encouragement to continue trusting her.

For the first few months, as we were getting to know one another, she would not allow me to call. She was hesitant to hear my voice. She wouldn't allow me to visit, because she was hesitant to see me. It was so frustrating to be held at bay, because I wanted and needed to talk to her, be with her. I knew in my heart I loved her and she loved me. 

Later, just before we first met, she tortured me with things like, "Robert, if it's love, it will be in the eyes. When you love someone, they will see it in your eyes, and you, theirs." She also told me she wouldn't know for sure it was love until she could smell the little place at the nape of my neck. The nose knows, I suppose ... seems I had to pass this final test before she would really know if we were right for each other. I was unsure of why she needed this but I was trusting my heart and feelings.

We met for the first time in person the night before the reunion at a little inn in the town where she and I were raised. She opened the door and, for the first time in almost 50 years, I saw those blue eyes again and a smile to boot. While we hugged, she buried her face in my neck. It was a warm, sweet and endearing embrace. It felt natural and right, and without either of us saying a word, I knew I loved her and and I also knew she loved me. 

An air of intimacy seemed to envelop us and no matter where we went that weekend, we felt compelled to be touching, whether sitting close together, or holding hands and staring silently into each other's eyes and getting lost there. It felt then, and still does, like we're hooked deeper than our minds, emotions and even bodies.

Our journey to love had been a long one, sometimes painful and often confusing. Over the years, I had given up my search for the right girl and, in a way, she no longer searched for mister right. We had arrived at a time in our lives when we stopped hoping and looking at all ... and then this something magical happened. The mystery of love brought us together so we could experience more of life together and learn together what it means to be in love for real.

.... and you know what?  She was right.  I did see the love in her eyes, and when I breathed her in, her scent went all the way to my soul ...